FF Police: Attempting in Vain To Banish Bad Fics
by JuicyJuice
Summary: The Fan Fiction Regulation Department of the ministry is where all the bad fics go. Can Lein and Cora get through the story alive? Will they be able to convince the author to stop writing? RR!
1. The Fan Fiction Regulation Office

In a remote section of the Ministry of Magic, there is a small department called the Fan Fiction Regulation Office. It is at the bottom of the Ministry pecking order and the positions in it are generally unwanted by even the lowest ministry officials. However, people are always found to fill the job, though they are usually underage and incompetent, which accounts for the amount of bad fan fiction we have around here. It's a tough and low-paying job and, because it's mostly for the benefit of Muggle FF readers, it's considered unimportant. However, the Minister always keeps the department so that the Magical World is not completely insulted by outrageous Mary-Sues and wild, pointless plots.  
  
Lein Xu walked into her boss' small, cluttered office one morning. She was a 23 year old, Chinese woman who needed the money enough to do a job so degrading and unending. She was also late.  
  
"Xu! We've been waiting for thirteen minutes! You can't just expect time to stop for you, especially not in the crazy world of Fan Fiction. This is Cora Newaters. She'll be working with you for a time."  
  
Lein looked at Cora and did a double take. The girl must have been only twelve years old. She refrained from commenting with difficulty, "What's the Story?"  
  
"It's a nasty one, but it's pretty common. From the summary given there is implausible coupling, inappropriate actions, two or more Mary- Sue's, and people hugely out of character. You know what to do. Try and be gentle, though, as this is the author's first offense."  
  
Lein nodded, though she was in no mood to be gentle about anything.  
  
"Cora is very new. That's why I'm pairing her with you. You may have to explain some things along the way," he said. Lein again looked at the little girl in amazement. She was rather plain with brown hair and large brown eyes.  
  
"I'll just go get the supplies, then," Lein said and headed to her office. She returned a minute later with a bag slung over her shoulder and a notebook in hand. This notebook she shoved into Cora's hands, "You'll be recording what goes on," she said with a subtle Chinese accent.  
  
With a wave of the boss' wand, a swirling vortex of black and purple appeared in the wall. Over it read: "Hermione's Fatal Confusion" by Fallen Dark Goddezz  
  
Lein rolled her eyes at the title and author and then dove through, Cora right behind her.  
  
A/N-I stole this whole idea somewhere, but I really wanted to write this. If anyone could identify whom I took the idea from, I would really appreciate it. I want to give the credit to them! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this brief intro. If anyone wants to give me ideas on what "Hermione's Fatal Confusion" should include, I would love some ideas (not like I don't have plenty of my own)! Review please! I should be updating very soon! 


	2. Chapter 1: Attack of the Mary Sues

They rolled ungracefully onto Platform 9 ¾. If they hadn't been invisible to the surrounding characters, the humiliation would have been very great.  
  
"So first we have to go through the story and rate the level of offense. If it's really bad, we have to try to get it off the web. Have you done this before?" Lein asked Cora.  
  
"Not really. I went with Roger Devon on a light, fluffy one-shot, but that hardly counts. Do you know Roger?" she asked, looking Lein straight in the eye with her somewhat creepy, large eyes.  
  
"I've worked with him a few times, yes," she said, but she wasn't paying much attention to the conversation. Her eyes turned to three sixteen year old friends who were having a joyous reunion, "Mute," she muttered. Suddenly the hustle and bustle of the train station ceased to be heard, though it continued on as usual. The only noises were the voices of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  
  
Cora and Lein walked closer and studied the trio as they made pointless small talk about their summers. Lein didn't like what she saw.  
  
"Cora," she said, "What do you notice that's out of place? Do you see anything different from canon?"  
  
"Several things," said Cora, "Harry's muscles, for one thing. Contrary to popular belief, Quidditch does not give the players anything except a tough bum. And Hermione's tank top just screams 'OOC,' but what were we expecting? Ron's hair is forgivable, but does it have to be all spiked up like that?"  
  
"Good," said Lein, "Write this all down. Also, where is their luggage? Dumb author to forget critical detail!" She sighed as the scene changed from the train station to inside the train, "Script!" she muttered and a booklet of the story appeared in her hand. She began to read through it as it actually took place in front of her eyes.  
  
"So how have you been Harry?" Hermione asked anxiously, "In your letters you sounded so sad!"  
  
"We are in sad times," he said, "Who knows how long everyone will live?"  
  
This statement struck Hermione hard. She knew she might not live past this year. Maybe it was time for her to really live, without thought to her future. Because she might not have a future. This thought made tears come to her eyes. She didn't want Harry or Ron to see them, so she excused herself under the pretense of going to the loo.  
  
She found an empty compartment and buried her face in the seat to cry. After only a minute or so, the door slid open. She thought it was Harry or Ron, but it wasn't.  
  
It was Draco Malfoy. He came up behind her and put an arm on her shoulder.  
  
"Don't cry," he said kindly.  
  
Soon she was spilling out all her problems to the boy she used to hate. He was a good listener and seemed more understanding than Harry or Ron.  
  
"Yeah right," Lein muttered. Before even two minutes had passed, Draco and Hermione were kissing.  
  
"I'm too young for this," Cora moaned.  
  
"They're only kissing!"  
  
"More like eating each other," she said.  
  
"Fine, we'll fast forward," Lein said, "Onward!" The scene changed to the Great Hall. They were all seated watching the First Years get sorted.  
  
"Yellow, Barley," McGonagall called out.  
  
"Hufflepuff!"  
  
"Zyzzyva, Catherine."  
  
"Slytherin!"  
  
Then Dumbledore stood up, "Lastly, we have two new students this year! They are exchange students from America! Amonelleia-Estelle Gryffinveela and Helenella-Fireviperdragoneyesoftiger Quyllyialla Weareslutmarysues, please come up to the front!"  
  
Two girls that Harry had not noticed before stood up ("Not likely," Lein said). In a word, they were both gorgeous. They were twins, but were very different.  
  
Amonelleia-Estelle Gryffinveela had blondish-red hair cascading down her elegant back. It fell in soft waves and shimmered when she moved. Her eyes were a deep forest green with flecks of orangey-purple, though they occasionally changed to shiny, sparkling peachy-bluish-mauve or golden- pinky-black with a shimmer of lime.  
  
Helenella Fireviperdragoneyesoftiger Quyllyialla had hair dark as night. Her skin was pale and it shone like moonbeams in midwinter. Her eyes were deep pools of darkness that seemed to see right through you into your soul. They were purpley-bluish-orange-pinkish-black, though they sometimes changed to a light golden-blue-red when she was in a good mood.  
  
Both sisters were perfectly proportioned. Everyone's head turned to them as the walked up to the front, even the girls and professors.  
  
"This makes me sick," muttered Lein, "TWO Mary Sues! Give me a break! This story definitely needs to be busted."  
  
"Weareslutmarysues, Amonelleia-Estelle Gryffinveela!" McGonagall called.  
  
The hat was placed gently on her lovely head.  
  
"Difficult," the hat said, "You are loyal, smart, brave, and cunning! I've never met someone as multi-talented as you! I suppose I will put you in Gryffindor! No other house is good enough for you!"  
  
The Gryffindors cheered so loudly that Lein and Cora had to take a step back.  
  
"Weareslutmarysues, Helenella Fireviperdragoneyesoftiger Quyllyialla," McGonagall called. Everyone leaned forward and crossed their fingers, hoping that their house would be the one to receive such a gorgeous girl.  
  
"Oh, there's no doubt about you!" said the hat into Helenella's ear, "You're pure evil! Slytherin it is for you!"  
  
Slytherin cheered, but everyone else was surprised that someone so beautiful would go into Slytherin.  
  
"Hey!" said Lein, "My sister was in Slytherin. They're not all evil."  
  
Cora took out the notebook and wrote: "Falls into common misconceptions and stereotypes."  
  
The rest of the great hall scene was spent describing the boring, un- witty conversations of the Gryffindors with Amonelleia-Estelle and the flirtatious glances between A-E and Harry.  
  
"This is killing me," Lein said, "On to the next chapter!"  
  
Will the next chapter be as bad as the last? Will the story pass or fail? What outrageous love triangles and characters will appear next? Wait and see. . .  
  
A/N-REVIEW!!!!!!! Does this bore you? Interest you? Touch a nerve? Make you want to stab me with a spoon? TELL ME! 


	3. The Comprehensive Definition of Mary Sue

The Comprehensive Definition of "Mary Sue":  
  
A Mary Sue is a character people place in their stories, usually by making her an exchange student from America. She is always idealized (beautiful, no faults, righteous) and meant to be modeled after the author. Often she is the daughter of Voldemort or Sirius and has special magical powers (wandless magic, animagi, veela, fire power, necromancy, premonitions). The readers are meant to love her, but they rarely do because she is ANNOYING and PERFECT. She is also the love interest of one or more main characters (usually if the author is in love with, say, Malfoy, Mary Sue would be too). Mary Sues usually have outrageous names like Quyntella Hope Izzabella Floweress Dragoncrest Loella Ellaella Rose Amonelliealla Belle Shadoweye Fireheart Zyzondellebella. Mary Sues are very common. I'd say they appear in 2 out of 5 full-length stories. Recently they've become less and less popular as people begin to differentiate between a Mary-Sue and a well-developed character. I hope that clears everything up! ~JuicyJuice 


End file.
